i change my mind it was my fault.

I just got asked for my third time to go to prom this year... why didn't so many people ask me for MY prom what the hell.
So here is the story why I didn't go to prom:
My boyfriend at the time tried to kill his father, then tried to kill himself. Due to obvious complications of money, court, hospital, law etc. he just wasn't capable of taking me. Two of my friends asked me, and I was tempted to say yes but the stupid boyfriend told me only he could be the one to take me.
But he couldn't, so I couldn't.

But i wish I did. I wish I can now.
I just can't though.
----
So last night Matthew and I had a perfect night staying in and watching There Will Be Blood.
Then at about 4AM we got to talking about numbers, and so he told me to take a first step today.
So i did. But that was the easy part, the hard part comes next Wednesday at 8:45 AM.
=/

i did it.

pretzels and bananas: therapy
today was so fucking weird
i saw ryan, who i haven't seen a months..
---
friday, i crashed my music section, and totally coincidentally met matt.

well first off, i wasn't supposed to be in that class, but anyway. i decided to sit in the first row across from the door so i can gaze outside.
then a guy walks past outside, stops, and stares at me.
i get up, and we hug for about 5 mins.

i stayed drunk the whole day and went to an mc battle with him at night
apparently i stayed the night and woke up there this morning. i was with him the whole freaking day and more.
and today, he picked me up and we went to the record store
got lost..
then he randomly took me to too nice of a dinner which made me feel really uncomfortable...
why move so fast? i only met him on friday.
he was just so attached out of nowhere. it felt like we'd been dating for months already.

i'm so disappointed in myself.
the first/last time i met him when i first started college, i thought he was my soulmate.
i wanted him so badly for all this time.

why can't i just accept him for who he is? why does it make me feel the way i do.

anyway, he just dropped me off and i decided never to see him again.
i was way too fucking close to breaking a new years resolution.

i need a new user pic that ones outdated by like 4 yrs
----


during my sophomore year of highschool, i thought i'd been attacked by the devil.

I was lying down in bed waiting to fall asleep, when suddenly i couldn't move my body, not even my lips.
my stomach felt like it was being pushed 3 times, and i heard 3 screams into my ear.
when i was released from my frozen state i thought the devil had come to me, so i immediately pulled my covers over my head, stuck my hand out, fumbling for my phone, and called my mom to come into my room.

recently i found out it wasn't the devil, but a condition called sleep paralysis. basically, my body fell asleep, but my brain was still wide awake.
asleep and awake, dreaming and alert all at the same time. nothing harmful, totally normal.

you don't know how pissed i was to find this out because previously, i'd though that i was come kind of "chosen one" of the devil. it was an honor i'd held in high regards.
i thought that it made me a little more interesting. it allowed me to believe that there is more to this world than what science tells us about life and death.


is here anything sadder than the death of someone you love?
i knew a death was coming around the corner. i've been crying every other night imagining people i love dying.

you see, to me death is death and nothing else. you die like how a plant dies.
we're all made from the same things. when during the 40 billion years of the world's existence did any group of living things attain a soul that would have its own afterlife?
what, do carrots have souls once they're pulled from the ground, shriveled until they disappear?

I'm just bitter that this happened. So many deaths this year, and it's only going to get worse as we come to know more and more people.

you will die. doesn't that scare you?

people always say they're not afraid of death. i'm scared shitless.
to be that carrot. a blade of grass. spoiled milk.
whatever.

i'll stop now. it's just sad when people's diseases take control of their minds, blinding them from hope and time.